Quem Deus Vult Perdere, Dementat Prius

Revelations

2009-10-12T15:21:18Z

It's me again. Long time, no post. But this needed to be said, and I hope the few people that still check this site will notice it and speak up if they have any suggestions.

rev•e•la•tion (\re-və-lā-shən\) noun
1 a : an act of revealing or communicating divine truth b : something that is revealed by God to humans
2 a : an act of revealing to view or making known b : something that is revealed; especially : an enlightening or astonishing disclosure [shocking revelations] c : a pleasant often enlightening surprise [her talent was a revelation]
3 capitalized : an apocalyptic writing addressed to early Christians of Asia Minor and included as a book in the New Testament —called also Apocalypse

Curious? I'll explain in a few moments, but please just bear with me.

A few weeks ago, as I was driving home, I looked out over the bayous that line the route I take to and from work and thought, "How easy it would be. I just let my car slide off the road and into the swamp. It looks like an accident and Kanna still gets the insurance money."

It isn't the first time I've had such thoughts. More than once, I have caught myself in a daydream, standing at the edge of a tall building and just leaning forward, letting the winds embrace me. It's cool and comforting; it feels right. And that is very worrisome.

Even now, as I work on a project that is putting me under a bit of pressure, I confess that suicide seems a better option to the stress and anxiety I am feeling. I honestly believe that if there were a guaranteed means that I could be certain would have no chance of failure, I would take it. And frankly, that scares the living hell out of me.

It frightens me because there was a time that I would never have seriously entertained thoughts of self-destruction.

I've never told anyone this, because it seems so silly or stupid. When I was much younger (in my early teens), I read a Superman comic in which Superman has been mind-controlled into believing that he has failed everyone whom he cared about and that the world would be a better place if he never existed. He sets a super death-ray that can even affect him (don't ask why he has one of these lying about) on a timer and stands before it.

At the last second, he realizes that suicide is never the answer and leaps out of the path of the blast. This also clears his mind and he realizes that he has allowed doubt and guilt to lower his defenses and facilitate his manipulation. I was inspired by that story, and made a solemn pact with myself that no matter how bad it got, I would never resort to suicide.

And yet, on more than one occasion in the past month alone, I have given serious consideration to doing just that.

Over the past several years, I have been in an ever-deepening downward spiral. My depression has gotten worse, and it is affecting my work, my relationship with my family and friends, my spiritual well-being, and my health. I have lost focus and stopped believing in my dreams. Stress has chipped away at my self-image until it collapsed entirely and I feel that I am worthless and that there is no reason to go on. I have to force myself to be interested in even the things that once brought me joy.

But last night, as I lay in bed, trying to drift off to sleep, filled with anxiety about the project I am currently working on, I had a revelation (told you I'd get to it). I know now what must be done, and it begins with an ending.

There is a concept called the career break. Many successful people take such a break, lasting from six months to two years, and travel, study, do volunteer work, or work abroad. It functions as a sort of sabbatical, allowing you to find yourself and sort out your life. And it may help you realize your dreams.

I need a career break, I think. I would like to actually finish a novel in that time, perhaps while doing some volunteer work and maybe a little traveling. I would like to get back into my faith, and find my roots. I would also like to lose weight and get back in fighting trim. All of these things, I believe I can accomplish, if I were freed of some of the stresses of the daily grind.

The only problem is: how? I still have a family to support during that period, and I have unfortunately become accustomed to eating regularly. I have my wife, and six four-legged children, to take care of.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can do this affordably, clue me in, please. I do not have a lot of savings to fall back upon, and I don't want my wife to have to deal with everything while I'm off cavorting about Europe. But at the same time, I need this. My sanity needs this.

My life may very well depend on this.

There But for the Grace of the Gods, Go I

2009-08-06T20:02:33Z

It's hard to conceive that anyone may not have heard by now, even if second-hand, but here are the facts:

Tuesday evening, George Sodini entered the L.A. Fitness Club in Bridgeville, PA (a suburb of Pittsburgh). He proceeded to a dance-aerobics class in progress, turned out the lights, and opened fire with three handguns. Three women were killed, nine were wounded, and Sodini committed suicide. His online journal explained his motivation:

"Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive."

"Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone," he wrote. "I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone?"

I do not condone what Sodini did, but I certainly understand his motivation. I understand it all too well. In another place, another life, that could have been me.

I've had those thoughts. Even though I am happily married (and have been for 21 years), I still cannot comprehend what attracts my wife to me. She is gorgeous. She could have any man she wanted. I'm not attractive, I'm not fit and muscular, I'm not rich; so what's the attraction? Had I not been lucky enough to find her, I could be George Sodini.

In high school, I dated several girls, but never the same one more than once (until I met my wife-to-be). Girls simply did not find me attractive or interesting, and frankly, nothing has changed. So yes, I understand him completely.

The media has been saying that his journal represents "a descent into madness," but I don't think they get it. All of us, every one, is capable of this sort of outburst. Any human being capable of self-reasoning is nothing more than a ticking time bomb of unfettered violence kept in check by a veneer of civility.

The human brain is a remarkable organ. It controls all of our body's automatic functions (breathing, blinking, heartbeat, etc.), allocates energy to all parts of the body, stores memories of personal events up to 90 years or more, interprets all of the data that you receive through your five senses, and still has reserves. The brain is capable of an estimated 10¹⁵ operations per second (as fast as the world's fastest super-computer, the MDGrape-3). And consider that the aforementioned computer cannot interpret visual, auditory, olfactory and tactile input, like your brain can.

And yet, for all it's remarkable power, the brain is really quite fragile. Sometimes, all it takes is for the least little thing to go wrong, and push the individual over the brink. It's easy to understand someone going on a rampage when they lose their job, and their wife leaves them for their best friend, and their mother passes away, all on the same day. But it is much more difficult to understand why someone shoots up their office because the morning train was two minutes off-schedule.

But sometimes, that's all it takes.

Pissed Off!

2009-05-02T23:06:04Z

WARNING: Adult language after the break

Fuck the censorship bureau! Fuck them hard! We've been watching USA network today, and I am incredibly offended! The movies are 50 First Dates and The 40-Year Old Virgin. The network censors let words like "nigger," "schlong," and "knockers" pass, and show a man's buttocks on several television screens in an electronics store, but they blur out women's breasts?! What the fuck!?

Fuck the censorship board! Fuck them hard! Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them!

Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest. The morality of Americans is so screwed up!

Writer's Block: Swine Times

2009-04-30T19:37:29Z

Are you worried about catching the swine flu? Do you have a plan for avoiding contagion or dealing with quarantine?

View 501 Answers

Not particularly. Frankly, the swine flue doesn't bother me, because research is showing that it is no more deadly than normal influenza. It sucks, but being sick is no fun, no matter what the cause. Has anyone stopped to think that the reason so many Mexicans are dying from it might be because their hygiene is not up to our standards? I don't mean that as a slur against the Mexican people, but they live, in large part, in a Third World country.

My plan is to live life as I always have; showering daily, washing my hands after using the bathroom or before eating, and avoiding crowds.

R.I.P.

2009-04-17T15:46:33Z

It has been far too long between posts, but to be perfectly honest, much of my attention has been directed toward other pursuits of late. Not to worry, though; I'm back (not that any of you missed me).

Today, I'd like to take a moment of your time for a brief but meaningful lesson.

Many of us have seen the letters "RIP" used in conjunction with graveyards. Many more people, perhaps even you, have always assumed that they were simply a blessing invoked upon the deceased, "Rest in Peace." While not entirely wrong, this does bring to light an interesting point that I would like to clarify.

The letters RIP are, as expected, an abbreviation. However, they do not stand for "Rest in Peace." Rather, they symbolize the Latin prayer requiescat in pace, meaning, "may he/she rest in peace."

It's an importance difference. "Rest in peace" is a short sentiment for the deceased, but requiescat in pace is intended not for the dead, but for the living! You see, in earlier times, superstition was rampant and it was believed that the dead could rise from their graves to terrorize their loved ones. Thus, requiescat in pace is a prayer that the dead will lie peacefully and not return.

As is the case with several common phrases and habits in widespread use today, many people do not understand the true meaning behind that which they do. Perhaps you are one of the many people who toss salt over their left shoulder for luck. If so, you may be surprised to learn that you are following an ancient custom. It was believed that the Devil sat at your left shoulder, and by tossing salt into his eyes, you could blind him temporarily. This quirk is often performed in conjunction with spilling the salt. Why? Because the Devil was believed to cause arguments or tension when salt was spilled, and by blinding him, you temporarily escaped his influence.

Have you ever broken a mirror and thought to yourself, "Well, that's seven years of bad luck?" You may have intended it jokingly, but several hundred years ago, that wouldn't have been the case. In ancient times, mirrors were believed to be a window to a person's soul, and to break a mirror was to crack the soul, which would take seven years to heal.

Do you suffer from triskaidekaphobia; a fear of the number 13? If so, then you aren't alone. This phobia afflicts more than 100,000 people. The origins of this superstition are unclear. Some think it refers to Judas who betrayed Christ and is believed to the the 13th to sit at the table in the Last Supper. Or perhaps the origins are steeped in Norse myth, where Loki, god of mischief, is considered to be the 13th god. He was also said to have been the 13th guest at the funeral of Baldr, whose death he is believed to have arranged. Or maybe it comes from the Persians, who believe that each sign of the zodiac rules the earth for one thousand years, after which the earth and sky collapse in utter chaos. Thus, 13 is a very unlucky number.

Are you a cat fancier? Well, perhaps you wouldn't be such if you knew that for centuries, cats were believed to be demons in disguise, the familiars of witches. A black cat that crosses your path might be trying to cut off your access to Heaven... or it may just be getting out of your way. Cats with two tails were believed by the Japanese to be vampires, and even today in the Netherlands, cats are excised from the room when the family discusses private matters. Why? Because the cunning cat might spread their gossip all over town!

Finally, many of us cross our fingers for luck, but do you know why? It's because to form the sign of the cross with one's fingers was though to ward off witches and demons. The cross was seen as a symbol of unity, and good spirits were thought to dwell at the center. Originally, it was a gesture of cooperation between two people; on to make the crossbeam and the other to support it, but with time it was modified so that an individual could make their own cross.

Tits on a Boar Hog

2009-02-11T19:16:04Z

If you've never heard that expression before, just think about it for a moment. Why would a male hog need mammary glands?

Well, that's how I feel; about as useful as tits on a boar hog.

I have plenty of work to do, but I don't want to do it. Why? Mostly because it seems pointless. Accomplishing it gives me no joy, and it serves no purpose other than to remove it from my desk.

Right now, I'm processing publications, which entails insuring that we have 20 copies of each document, sending out one copy to each of 12 people, taking 2 copies for the master files, and placing the remaining copies into a folder that will be placed on the shelf in case someone desires a hard copy.

First, we get relatively few requests for publications anymore. No one is interested, it seems. Secondly, even when someone is interested, most of the popular publications are available for free as PDFs on our website! Why should I have to pay the cost of mailing them, when anyone who wants them can just pop over to our site and download them?

Sure, there are a few that, for whatever reason, cannot be made into PDFs, but they are few and far between. I can see having hard copies of those on hand, but if it can be scanned, why are we wasting money printing and mailing it, when the end user can download it and print it on their bill? If the person does not have access to a computer (and those examples are getting fewer and fewer), then I will print up a copy and send it out to them, but I really can't see any reason not to consolidate everything to the Digital Age.

Aside from publications, most of my job revolves around maintaining our website which, frankly, is something I could train a monkey to do. It used to be that knowing how to make computers dance to your tune was a viable skill, but the Internet and advances in programming have made it easy for anyone to build and maintain a nice website with a minimum of effort.

As a result of dissatisfaction, I'm not very motivated to do my work. And since, at the end of each week, I have to submit a report explaining how I've earned my keep for the week, it doesn't look good if I put on it, "Did not feel like working." But thinking about that just makes me even less motivated.

At the point I'm at right now, I really don't care if I get fired or not. I've got a doctor's appointment in the morning and with any luck at all, he will tell me that the headache that has been plaguing me for the past four days is a tumor and I have only a week to live.

State of the Union II

2009-01-30T20:30:35Z

A couple of talking points this week:

My Fellow Americans
I just returned from my bi-weekly rap session with my mental health counselor. Amongst the chit-chat, he put forth an idea that, well, I think I just might try. I told him that I have long joked with friends about what changes would be instituted if I ever became President of the United States, and I've even joked (never seriously) about tossing my hat into the ring a few times.

My doctor said, "You know, you're charismatic, intelligent, you have a strong personality, and a good sense of humor, but you can also buckle down and be serious when such is called for. I don't know if I would say to go for the Presidency, but I think you would do well as a local politician. I think that you would be a good fit for such a role."

Sure, I've kidded about it, but I never thought that anyone would take me seriously. But if he thinks that I could pull it off, then maybe I should give it serious consideration. I haven't yet decided what office I would go for, and it certainly won't be in the next election, but I might get my name out and then go for the one after that. So if you're in my area and you see my name on a ballot, be sure to tick the box next to it.

WTF?!
I want to like Obama, I really do. I think he's a fine, upstanding citizen, and he has great potential, but the passing of the recent incentive package definitely qualifies as a WTF moment! I'm not saying that some of these needs do not need to be addressed, but there are far too many "gimmie" bits in this most recent package that have nothing to do with the economy and exist only to sate one politician or another.

I will say this; if I am elected, no matter to what office, I will not let myself be swayed by bribes, shady deals, and sneaky underhanded mudslinging.

WTF 2: The Second Fucking
A friend, who shall remain nameless, has been notified by the INS that they must leave the country or face extradition. The reason is because the individual's VISA expired when their employer dropped the ball and let it lapse. Now, the individual must leave the country and reapply for entry. This despite the fact that they came here legally, have worked in the country for more than 15 years, have never been in trouble with the law, have never been involved in illicit activities, and in general, have been a fine and upstanding citizen! What is more, they have performed research that has benefited the country and which has been used by the government!

And yet, every day, we provide health care and welfare to people who are living here illegally, having sneaked across the border or floated in on a homemade raft! This individual has never received so much as a parking violation, and has been lawfully and dutifully employed in the U.S. for better than 15 years!

Furthermore, the individual's employer, who are responsible for the whole mess in the first place, is standing by and doing nothing.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?

I wish I were Lost!

2009-01-22T20:31:00Z

How cool would it be, really, to be on The Island? If you're a Lost fan (and if not, I feel sorry for you), you know the island I'm talking about.

Sure, there's the whole survival thing, but you know, their basic needs were seen to and I think I could handle it; even if I had to go it alone. With companions, though, I'd find my niche very quickly. The Others would be the only real concern, and frankly, I know a few tricks that would keep them to their side (or at least away from our camp). It's certainly better than what I do for a living right now.

And time traveling? Well, that would just be plain cool all the way around. Even if I had no control, I know enough history and a smattering of enough languages (including some ancient ones) that I'd have no trouble fitting in just about any place (with a few notable exceptions). Plus, I can make black powder! (In fact, just about any geek who has ever dreamed of tripping through space-time has memorized the formula, just in case...).

Heck, I'd even take a zombie apocalypse about now. I'm prepared for that, too. And at least it would serve to break the monotony.

State of the Union

2009-01-20T15:35:24Z

Kanna's condition continues to improve. She has been steadily gaining vision throughout the weekend, and today she said she is at about 95% clarity.

A realization occurred to me yesterday, as I was driving home from dropping her off. This may upset or annoy some people, but I think it's true. It occurred to me that given the number of conservative radio talk shows (The Savage Nation, The Glenn Beck Show, Rush Limbaugh, The Schnitt Show, etc.), there are relatively few Liberal talk radio programs. I think I've determined why this is the case...

It's because those of us on the left are free thinkers. We don't need someone to tell us what we believe. The right requires guidance, where the left is capable of self-direction.

Michael Savage often says that Liberalism is a mental disorder. Well, and maybe he's right. Compared to many Conservatives, who blindly follow whatever charismatic speaker of the hour happens to be on the air, I guess we would seem to have a disorder.

Update on Kanna's Health

2009-01-12T17:47:26Z

As most of you are aware, I took Kanna to Tulane on Friday to have her eyes checked and we found that she had, in fact, lost a fair portion of vision in her remaining eye. As part of the procedure, the doctor dilated her eyes and broke up some scar tissue around the site of her former surgery. It is not uncommon for a patient’s eye to be blurry for several hours after being dilated, and Kanna’s usually return to normal within about 24 hours. Thus, we weren’t too concerned when she had difficulty seeing straight on Saturday. When it continued into yesterday, we became a little concerned. When she could not see well enough to drive into work this morning, we were alarmed.

She has contacted her doctor and he says that we should not be alarmed. Some patients remain blurred for as much as two weeks; others recover in a matter of hours. Still, we remain in a state of guarded awareness, as intense pain, nausea, or deflation of the eyeball would indicate a problem (the latter, quite obviously).

You Would Think...

2009-01-09T22:51:41Z

...that by the 21st century, certain problems such as cancer, pollution, and other diseases would have been wiped out. In particular, glaucoma.

Kanna has open-angle, chronic glaucoma; in fact, she's had it for the better part of her life. We first learned about when she was about 21, after I joined the Air Force and she began experiencing vision problems. By the time we detected it, she had almost completely lost vision in her right eye. Today, that eye is completely blind (actually, she can detect light from a single point near the lowest quadrant, but her vision in the right eye is effectively gone).

For the uninformed, glaucoma is a disease of the eye which causes pressure to build within the eyeball. This pressure damages the optic nerve, which leads to loss of vision. She does take medication for her condition, but does not smoke cannabis (and has no desire to do so). She had also undergone surgery to install a "plug" in her eyeball which allows the doctor to control the pressure somewhat by opening or closing it and allowing fluid to drain or build.

Unfortunately, it is an inevitability that she will eventually go blind. About two weeks ago, she had an odd feeling and was concerned, so she went to the local ophthalmologist, who told her that nothing was wrong and it was just a small pressure build, but when she called her regular doctor, he told her to come in ASAP. It was he we visited today. The local doctor is not a specialist, so it isn't her fault that she didn't detect the problem, but her regular doctor recommended a new doctor for us.

It seems that she has lost a fairly sizable amount of vision in her good eye. While this news is not devastating (she can still see well enough to function), it just serves to further drive home the fact that she will lose her sight. This upsets me for obvious reasons, but for her, it is devastating. She relies so much on her vision, and to lose it would be not only very difficult for her, but also emotionally shattering.

You would think by now that we would have come up with a solution to problems like this and that it would have been affordable. In a perfect world, everyone would have the medical care that they need, without having to worry about who is footing the bill. But of course, humankind is driven by greed.

Update

2009-01-07T16:46:48Z

Yesterday, I noted that I am on Facebook, but I neglected to identify myself. I'll fix that now...

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/profile.php?id=1632057763&ref=profile

I would also like to point out that I frequent Kongregate (http://www.kongregate.com) as whtknt. If you are a member or if you decide to join, be sure to friend me. I always hang out in The Attic (chatroom).

So, Welcome Back

2009-01-07T00:55:26Z

It's a new year, and that means that I'm behind... again. This is just a short note to let everyone who might be interested know that I am now a Facebook junkie. You can find me at John Grigsby and feel free to friend me, just include a note letting me know who you are and where I know you from. And if you're not already on Facebook, let me tell you that you're missing out! Yeah, it's a complete waste of time, but it's a FUN waste of time!

Busy

2008-12-24T23:18:42Z

It's been a very busy week, considering that my vacation officially started on Friday afternoon. I had two Santa appearances this last weekend, then spent Monday doing the shopping to get what was needed for the feast. On Tuesday, I spent all day dashing between the kitchen and the living room, baking cookies for Kanna's co-workers and wrapping gifts. Today, I had to prepare an apple tart for her holiday party at work, attend said party, and then I came home to try to clean up the house, bake more cookies (for us, this time), and wrap still more gifts!

Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Joyous Yule, Good Kwanzaa, or Happy Chanukha, as is appropriate for your culture or beliefs.

My Christmas Wish

2008-12-16T14:27:05Z

I know, I know. There are going to be a lot of people (particularly in the western and northern United States) who will happily trade places with me (and if it were possible, I would, believe me), but I want some cold and snow, damn it! This warm drizzle that we are experiencing in Mississippi is putting a damper on my Christmas spirit! My wife will kill me is she reads this and it actually happens (she hates the cold, which is one reason we live in MS), but doggone it, it just doesn't feel like Christmas when it's 75 degrees F outside and warm drizzle is falling.

I'm a warm-natured person. I'd rather be cold than hot. If you're cold, you can always add a coat or snuggle up in a comforter. When you're too hot, all you can do is take something off, and when you're already naked and it's still unbearable, all you can do is suffer. At least if it gets too cold, you can light a fire.

Anyway, that's my Christmas wish, if anyone cares. Give me about a week of bone-chilling cold and snow.

Simply Amazing!!

2008-12-12T16:38:23Z

On October 31, a couple of fishermen off Orange Beach in Alabama spotted something pretty rare for this area… an orchinus orca (killer whale).

But the best was yet to come.

As they watched, the counted not one whale, but four distinct pods of whales, feeding on tuna! The smallest pod had 25-30 members, but the other three each had over 100 members! Pictures and video, as well as the full story, can be found at the website below.

http://www.orangebeach.ws/2008/News/2008-12-03-Killers_in_the_Gulf_of_Mexico.html

Where?

2008-12-11T14:31:57Z

Apparently, the National Weather gurus are calling for snow in South Mississippi. Now, while it is true that there has been measurable accumulation in Lumberton, Picayune, and Poplarville this morning, let me assure you that it is not snowing in South Mississippi until we see flakes south of I-10, and that just isn't happening. I'd love to see a measurable snowfall here, mind you, I just don't think it is going to occur. Still, I'll keep you posted.

Life is Funny

2008-12-10T17:17:48Z

Monday afternoon, I was listening to the Michael Savage show on my way home from work, as I typically do. Savage annoys me, but it's kind of like a train wreck. You want to look away, but you can't bring yourself to do it. Anyway, he had a guest host filling in for him this day. I think it was Rick Roberts.

The host asked the simple question, "Are you looking forward to the holiday season?" He noted that he had been asking this question of people he had met on the street earlier and almost everyone responded that they were just ready for it all to be over, so that they could plot a survival strategy for the new year.

But you know what?

As much as there is to worry about right now, with the economy in the dumper, the fragile state of the world right now, and the concern that very soon things will be changing drastically, I am looking forward to the Christmas season, to taking that break from work and just relaxing with family and friends. This is the one time of year when cheer seems to be infectious, almost like people are afraid not to respond in kind when offered a happy greeting.

Besides, with me playing Santa again this season, I need to have my Yuletide spirit.

Writer's Block: Untimely Passing

2008-12-08T18:16:39Z

RIP John Lennon. The list of sudden and unexpected celebrity deaths is long—Princess Di, Heath Ledger, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, and many more. Which one affected you the most on an emotional level?

View 500 Answers

If I had to name one? Hard to say. The list is long: Arthur C. Clarke, Issac Asimov, Roy Scheider, Harvey Korman, James Doohan, DeForest Kelly, Edmund Hillary, Princess Diana, Pope John Paul II, George Carlin, Estelle Getty, Dr. Randy Pausch, Isaac Hayes, Don LaFontaine, Jerry Reed, Michael Crichton, Paul Benedict, Tony Snow, Charlton Heston, Suzanne Pleshette, Bobby Fischer, Johnny Carson, Merv Griffin... the list goes on and on. The reason these deaths affected me on an emotional level is because I grew up with these people. Even though I had never met them, I "knew" them.

A Poignant Reminder of My Own Mortality

2008-12-04T22:39:20Z

I came into this job eight years and six months ago. Today, I learned that the guy whom I replaced died on Sunday. He was 46 years old, only four years old than me. The reason this strikes deep in my heart is because he warned me that this job would kill me, and he's right. When I came here, I was young and full of life. Opportunity waited around every corner. Now, I'm doing good to find the motivation to come into work each day.

In the past eight years, I've gained 75 pounds, had to get glasses, and have switched depression medications three times. When Larry left, he wore Coke-bottle glasses, sat with a hunch, and suffered from severe diabetes.

Our symptoms may differ, but my days are numbered, just as surely as his.

R.I.P.

2008-12-04T19:45:08Z

You know, I really wanted to make good. I really did.

For the past three years, I have hosted my own website. I was proud of it. Many of the graphics were custom-made, and while work progressed slowly, it was coming along.

As of today, the Silicon Dragon is no more. I canceled the domain hosting and domain name registration. The reason is simple; I can't afford to keep it going. AceNet wanted the renewal payment by today, but there's just no way I could swing that. By the 15th... maybe, but even then it would cut me to the bone.

So, I killed my child.

It was a difficult decision, but for the best, I think. I blame those responsible for this lousy economy.

I'd make idle threats, but the FBI reads my entries, I'm pretty certain. If not, they probably should. Anyway, they have no sense of humor, so even jokingly saying that I'd like to do something harmful to someone in a position of power would be treated as a threat, despite the fact that I am effectively protected by the First Amendment.

So, life continues to suck, and I descend deeper into the darkness. Maybe I should just give up trying and let Him take over. Why continue to be one of the good guys if we're constantly getting sand thrown in our face?

Almost Forgot

2008-12-03T16:02:38Z

I almost forgot to mention:

A friend got me the new Traveller rules for my birthday, the ones that I was eying and lamenting about a few posts back? Yeah, so we're totally on for a Traveller game this weekend. This is the Mongoose Games version, which hearkens back to the days of classic Traveller. What's that? You're not familiar with the game?

Oh, you are really missing out! Traveller was the first (and in the opinion of some, best) science-fiction role-playing game. It is set in a universe where FTL travel is possible, but FTL communication is not (so information travels at the speed of the fastest vessel). Of course, the system is flexible enough to let you develop your own background, but the one that comes with the game is very richly-detailed.

When the game first premiered, it came as a little black book. The cover was featureless, except for the words (in white):

"This is Free Trader Beowulf, calling anyone...
Mayday, Mayday...
We are under attack...
Main drive is gone...
Turret number one not responding...
Mayday...
Losing cabin pressure fast, calling anyone...
Please help...
This is Free Trader Beowulf ...
Mayday..."

This was followed in red by the word, "Traveller."

Now really, how can you resist such a lure? The very image of a lonely little vessel in the vast coldness of space, lost... alone... the unanswered distress call drifting through the void.

Is there any wonder why the game appeals to me?

It's Been a While

2008-12-03T15:50:24Z

Looks like I'm due a new entry, for people that actually bother to read this thing. I'll have to make it quick, though, I'm knee-deep in work this month. My new goal is to clean and organize my office before the Christmas Break on December 23. That gives me a little more than 14 work days to get it done. Actually, less than that, since our office Christmas party in on the 19th and I'm taking the 22 off. That means I've got to be done by the 18th, which is 11 work days! Gah!!!!

Anyway, very quickly, I watched three movies recently that I found to be of note. I may do full reviews later, but for now:

Turok, Son of Stone
For an animated film, this one did a really good job. I was impressed! The film has an original storyline that doesn't quite match the Turok I remember from Gold Key Comics, but it does place him as a Native American in a Lost World with dinosaurs, so I can't complain. I'm just overjoyed that they did it right and didn't slip into Turok, Dinosaur Hunter.

I Know Who Killed Me
I didn't hold out much hope for this one; it was a spur-of-the-moment rental and it wasn't until the film actually started rolling that I realized it starred Lindsay Lohan. And yet... intelligent, clever, and most pleasantly of all, original. I don't know why it received such horrible reviews; I thought it was quite watchable. It held my interest until the very end, trying to figure out the real plot. Okay, some scenes were obviously inspired by The Sixth Sense, but believe me, this one will keep you guessing. Be warned, however, it gets a bit gory.

Teeth
Really, what can I say except that this is a movie with bite! The pun is most certainly intended. I have to admit that this isn't normally the kind of film I would go for, but the subject matter so intrigued me that I had to watch it. It's a little gory, and there is a lot of nudity (both male and female), but trust me, this is one film that... well, you just have to... tell you what, I'll just leave you with this little tidbit... vagina dentata.

Bolt Review (no spoilers)

2008-11-24T17:33:32Z

Lights: 2008. Action/comedy. Rated Rated PG for some mild action and peril. Running Time: 96 minutes.

Camera: Starring the voices of John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, and Malcom McDowell. Written by Dan Fogelman and Chris Williams. Directed by Byron Howard and Chris Williams.

Action: I knew from the moment I saw the first trailer that I wanted to see Bolt. Never mind that I am a huge Disney fan anyway, this movie looked like something I could really enjoy, and I did! From the first moments to the final credits, this film will appeal to both kids and kids at heart. If you are the kind of person who loves animals, animation, Disney, and/or action and adventure, this is a film you will not want to miss!

Bolt (Travolta) is a dog, the loyal companion and protector of Penny (Cyrus). Penny, the daughter of a well-known scientist. Her father's eternal rival is the Green-Eyed Man (McDowell), and he seeks to kidnap Penny to use her against her father. Fortunately her father, having foreseen this possibility, has prepared Bolt to protect his daughter. Bolt has been genetically altered, empowered with super-strength, invulnerability, super-speed, and the ability to fire beams of energy from his eyes. But his most devastating ability is the "super bark," which can destroy entire buildings.

What Bolt does not know is that he and Penny are merely actors and that all of his amazing abilities exist only in the world of make-believe. The producers of the television show have never let Bolt leave either his trailer or the set, and he has never seen the cameras or crew. The idea is that if Bolt believes that Penny is truly in danger, it offers realism that cannot be achieved with a trained dog. The downside is that Bolt is effectively a prisoner, locked in his trailer each night, while his beloved Penny goes away.

However, following the filming of an episode in which Penny is finally caught and abducted by the Green-Eyed Man, Bolt is separated from her, caged, and brought back to his trailer. Penny wants to let him know that she is alive and well, but her agent refuses, citing that the dog must think that she is in danger. Bolt, still believing just that, pulls off a daring escape and heads out to rescue Penny. Unfortunately, in trying to leap through a window, he knocks himself unconscious and ends up in a packing crate full of styrofoam peanuts.

Before anyone discovers him, the crate is sealed and shipped to New York City. Bolt comes to and is released by a curious shipping clerk, but soon realizes that he has no idea where to find Penny. To help him find her, he recruits the unwilling aid of an alley cat named Mittens (Essman). Mittens puts him on the right path and along the way, they are joined by an overweight hamster named Rhino (Walton). Rhino is a huge Bolt fan, but like his hero, he has no idea that Bolt's powers are simulated. Together, the trio must try to find their way back to Los Angeles, with danger lurking every step of the way.

The premise of the film is not exactly new, but the idea of it being done with animals is, and that I think will appeal to both kids and adults. Bolt is smart and button-cute, Mittens is scraggly and sarcastic, and Rhino is obsessed and suffers delusions of grandeur. One of the scenes that left me rolling on the floor was when Bolt and Rhino are trying to sneak in someplace. Bolt peeks around the corner and says, "There's a guard."

Rhino answers, "I'll snap his neck," and begins to roll his ball towards the guard.

Bolt stops him before he can hurt himself, but the idea of this tiny, fat hamster thinking he can take the human down is just hilarious to me. And the rest of the movie is every bit as humorous! But it isn't all comedy; there's drama as well, with a storyline that will appeal to both adults and children.

The animation is beautiful, though most of the people (except Penny) tend to look a little odd. A friend of mine commented that we can't make people look realistic with animation, but I don't think that's it at all. I think they are intended to look that way so as not to distract attention from the main characters. We did not experience Bolt in 3D, so I cannot comment on that aspect, but the standard 2D viewing was gorgeous.

The music was composed by John Powell, who should be no stranger to any movie-goer, and he does an excellent job in this film. In addition, there are two vocal pieces; "I Thought I Lost You," performed by John Travolta and Miley Cyrus, and "Barking at the Moon," performed by Jenny Lewis. Lewis has a beautiful voice, though I believe this is the first time I've ever heard her sing (I know she is very popular, I've just never heard her) and Travolta and Cyrus blend very well together.

Truly, I cannot recommend Bolt strongly enough! This is a feel-good movie that leaves you elated!

Parents: This movie is aimed at children, so bring them along (you'll enjoy it as well). There is no sex or nudity, no foul language, and most of the violence is slapstick. Bolt is Disney all the way, as only they can do it!

Rating: ***** (out of five)

Who Knew?

2008-11-21T14:44:46Z

I don't know why I didn't think to mention it the other day, but my counselor administered a test during my last visit (Briggs-Myers Personality Test). The results indicate that I have major depression (gee, who knew?) and schizophrenia (he seems to think that the voices in my head don't belong there). He said the results weren't surprising, but the fact that I scored so high on the potential for self-harm was alarming.

He said that if he had to sum up the test results in one sentence, it would be, "You don't know who you are, but you don't like who you are, and you don't know who you want to be."

My response was, "You know, I could have saved you 30 minutes."

On the plus side, the test indicates that I have very low potential for drug, alcohol, spousal, or child abuse.

Hooray.

The schizophrenia is kind of surprising, really. I guess I've just lived with these quirks for so long that I don't think much about them anymore. Apparently the two telling signs are the disorganized thoughts and the delusions. Like I said, I guess I've just lived with them for so long that I don't notice them. My thoughts have never been organized and logical.

What really threw him for a loop was when I told him that, all things considered, I'd rather have MPD (multiple personality disorder). He couldn't understand why. I guess it is kind of a silly thing to wish for, but I'm fascinated by the prospect of several individuals sharing the same body. What kind of legal ramifications does that hold?

If one alter commits a murder, can the person be executed, even though doing so would mean killing the other alters? If one alter has a driver's license and another does not, but a change occurs behind the wheel, can the person be held responsible?

I have other questions that beg answers. Are the alters typically aware of one another's existence? Do they all realize that they share a single body? I know alters can be of different ages and genders, but can an alter be of an entirely different race (that is, could an alter see themselves as Japanese and speak only Japanese, even if the host is Caucasian)? Can a "hidden" alter exist (one that the others are not aware of, but who is aware of the others)? Can an alter force itself into the position of host (that is, can it take over the body at will)? When one alter is in control, do they others realize what the host is doing (are they simply riders, or do they "go to sleep")?

And then there are spiritual questions, as well. Is each alter an individual soul, a person unto themselves, or are they all simply aspects of the single individual? Is there any way to know for certain?

I'm fascinated by the prospect of this unique feature of the human psyche, and I wish I were so "afflicted."