It's me again. Long time, no post. But this needed to be said, and I hope the few people that still check this site will notice it and speak up if they have any suggestions.
rev•e•la•tion (\re-və-lā-shən\) noun
1 a : an act of revealing or communicating divine truth b : something that is revealed by God to humans
2 a : an act of revealing to view or making known b : something that is revealed; especially : an enlightening or astonishing disclosure [shocking revelations] c : a pleasant often enlightening surprise [her talent was a revelation]
3 capitalized : an apocalyptic writing addressed to early Christians of Asia Minor and included as a book in the New Testament —called also Apocalypse
Curious? I'll explain in a few moments, but please just bear with me.
A few weeks ago, as I was driving home, I looked out over the bayous that line the route I take to and from work and thought, "How easy it would be. I just let my car slide off the road and into the swamp. It looks like an accident and Kanna still gets the insurance money."
It isn't the first time I've had such thoughts. More than once, I have caught myself in a daydream, standing at the edge of a tall building and just leaning forward, letting the winds embrace me. It's cool and comforting; it feels right. And that is very worrisome.
Even now, as I work on a project that is putting me under a bit of pressure, I confess that suicide seems a better option to the stress and anxiety I am feeling. I honestly believe that if there were a guaranteed means that I could be certain would have no chance of failure, I would take it. And frankly, that scares the living hell out of me.
It frightens me because there was a time that I would never have seriously entertained thoughts of self-destruction.
I've never told anyone this, because it seems so silly or stupid. When I was much younger (in my early teens), I read a Superman comic in which Superman has been mind-controlled into believing that he has failed everyone whom he cared about and that the world would be a better place if he never existed. He sets a super death-ray that can even affect him (don't ask why he has one of these lying about) on a timer and stands before it.
At the last second, he realizes that suicide is never the answer and leaps out of the path of the blast. This also clears his mind and he realizes that he has allowed doubt and guilt to lower his defenses and facilitate his manipulation. I was inspired by that story, and made a solemn pact with myself that no matter how bad it got, I would never resort to suicide.
And yet, on more than one occasion in the past month alone, I have given serious consideration to doing just that.
Over the past several years, I have been in an ever-deepening downward spiral. My depression has gotten worse, and it is affecting my work, my relationship with my family and friends, my spiritual well-being, and my health. I have lost focus and stopped believing in my dreams. Stress has chipped away at my self-image until it collapsed entirely and I feel that I am worthless and that there is no reason to go on. I have to force myself to be interested in even the things that once brought me joy.
But last night, as I lay in bed, trying to drift off to sleep, filled with anxiety about the project I am currently working on, I had a revelation (told you I'd get to it). I know now what must be done, and it begins with an ending.
There is a concept called the career break. Many successful people take such a break, lasting from six months to two years, and travel, study, do volunteer work, or work abroad. It functions as a sort of sabbatical, allowing you to find yourself and sort out your life. And it may help you realize your dreams.
I need a career break, I think. I would like to actually finish a novel in that time, perhaps while doing some volunteer work and maybe a little traveling. I would like to get back into my faith, and find my roots. I would also like to lose weight and get back in fighting trim. All of these things, I believe I can accomplish, if I were freed of some of the stresses of the daily grind.
The only problem is: how? I still have a family to support during that period, and I have unfortunately become accustomed to eating regularly. I have my wife, and six four-legged children, to take care of.
If anyone has any suggestions on how I can do this affordably, clue me in, please. I do not have a lot of savings to fall back upon, and I don't want my wife to have to deal with everything while I'm off cavorting about Europe. But at the same time, I need this. My sanity needs this.
My life may very well depend on this.